Coping with the absence of significant people in your life is difficult enough, but when important milestone moments take place, this can be even more challenging and emotionally difficult.

For children and young people, August and September can be huge milestone months, especially for those who are waiting for A-Level and GCSE results, or for those starting school, college or embarking on a new school year and the changes this can bring.

When a significant person is no longer present in their life, it can trigger very difficult feelings associated with grief, which can make it even harder to handle these moments.

Some children and young people may already feel these absences in the lead-up to these significant events, for others, it may not hit them until afterwards. The journey of grief is unique to everyone and it’s important to take care of yourself and find ways to support yourself if these difficult moments arise.

Some of our Child Bereavement Support Workers have shared some tips and ideas on ways to help you cope if you’re struggling to cope when these milestone moments arise, here are their ideas:

Duncan

“Something we talk about a lot is getting children and young people to write a letter to their special person or keep an ongoing diary or journal, with milestones, achievements and even disappointments. They can also include a photo of what they are writing about i.e. first day at high school, winning a medal at a sports club, that kind of thing.

It’s also important for them to remember that not everything in life is going to work out how they want and it’s okay to acknowledge this in a journal entry too, with maybe how they will reflect and learn from this.”

Keighley

“Think about how the loved one might choose to celebrate the milestone and maybe blend that into the day of the event.

Share your plans and feelings with those around you – especially at times like Christmas when there may have been traditions before, you may not feel the same about them anymore or may want to start new ones.

It’s ok to make time for yourself on these days and these times. Reach out and don’t be scared or worried to tell people how you are feeling. Tears are not a bad thing!!

Give yourself permission not to observe or celebrate the milestone. Sometimes the thought of the milestone can be pretty overwhelming & often it can become a day that you end up dreading. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to celebrate it and want to treat it as an ordinary day. Our grieving processes are all different.”

Rachel

“There’s a lovely part in the Julie Stokes book ‘You will be ok’ where she talks about her own experience of being invited to meet the Queen because of the work she has done with bereaved children. She talked about on the day feeling surprised by overwhelming sadness rather than excitement as her own father wasn’t there to be part of it. She refers to digging into her grief toolbox and wearing his favourite aftershave on the day to maintain that connection of her dad being part of the special day as smells can really connect to emotions. Thinking about a smell, item of clothing or holding close to them a photo on these milestone days to help maintain that connection to the person who has died.”

Keeley

“It can be helpful to use a calendar to note down the dates that may be difficult, such as birthdays, anniversaries, prom, exam results etc. so these occasions don’t take you by surprise. Acknowledge that these days, and sometimes even the days on either side of these dates may be hard. It can be good to think ahead and have some ideas of what you feel may help you.

It may be things like making family, friends, teachers, etc aware that you might find that day hard.

You could explain to others how they can help you on that day i.e. ask you how you are, not mention it, talk to you, give you space, a hug or just a smile.

Maybe it would be helpful to plan a moment during the day to remember your special person, such as lighting a candle, visiting the grave or a place special to them, or listening to their favourite song.

You might like to wear a piece of their clothing, jewellery, or favourite colour on the day to feel connected to them.

Not all milestone occasions are sad, some can also be days of celebration and joy. Either way, remember to be kind to yourself, allow the tears to come if needed and don’t feel bad if you are happy.”

Whilst many people will be celebrating Mother’s Day on Sunday 19th March, there will be many bereaved children and young people in Norfolk who will find the day extremely difficult. They will be missing their mum, or the person who they’ve looked up to as their mother figure, some for the first time.

The build up to Mother’s Day for a bereaved child or young person can be incredibly overwhelming, especially as there are so many places promoting Mother’s Day. It’s difficult to avoid it whether you’re online, watching TV or out visiting shops.

Every child grieves differently, it’s a very personal process. The build up to days like Mother’s Day can unearth a variety of difficult emotions including sadness, anger, anxiety and even guilt.

What’s important for a child/young person to know is that if they are struggling with the build-up and the day itself, that it’s okay to give themselves permission to sit with their difficult feelings and to do what feels right for them. It’s not about making the feelings stop or trying to ignore them, sometimes sitting with those feelings will give them time to process and reflect.

Have a chat with them and see if they would like to do something to mark the day. For instance, if they’d like to buy or make a card. They may want to leave it by the grave or special place. But if they don’t perhaps it can be stored safely in a memory box or book.

The same goes for buying a gift, if they see something they know Mum would have liked, then they can always get this for their memory box or keep for themselves.

Other ideas or things they may want to do is cook their favourite food, listen to their favourite song or look at some photos.

They may wish to ignore the day entirely and that’s fine too. There should be no pressure or expectations to do anything if they don’t want to.

Something our team talk about with bereaved children and young people is that whilst mum is not physically there anymore, they still have a place in your life, and whilst it’s a different place, they are still your mum.

Our website has lots of remembering activities, so if you feel stuck for some ideas, please click here.

Whatever you choose to do, the team here at Nelson’s Journey will be thinking of those who are remembering their Mum or the person they looked to as their mother figure.

As we draw to the end of the school year and start the long summer break, we find that bereaved children and young people can find this time quite unsettling, especially as there’s lots of talk within schools about new school year and the changes that will happen.

Transitioning at school, whether it’s into a new class with a different teacher or to a completely new school is unsettling for any child, but for a child who is bereaved, it can trigger lots of anxious feelings and worries.

If you are an adult supporting a bereaved child, it’s important that if you notice any change in their behaviour that you take the time to talk to them, let them offload how they’re feeling and work with them to help them overcome their worries and encourage them to embrace these changes. If they are really struggling with the changes they’re facing, it’s really important that you work with the school to ensure they are aware of your child concerns/ worries and they can put strategies in place to support them. This is especially important if your child has experienced a recent bereavement, as the school staff may not be aware of the situation.

If your child is starting a new school then be mindful that you will need to be extra patient with them as they’ve got to navigate around a new environment as well as deal with their feelings. Remember, if you feel like your child needs extra support then make sure you ask for it. The staff will want to make sure that help is put in place to help them as they adjust to their new surroundings.

Bereaved children and young people may find it difficult to cope with the return to school in September, and it may take a while to adjust, but with extra adult support and having people around them they trust to help, it will make things more bearable and in time they will settle into their new routine.

Our Child Bereavement Support Worker team here at Nelson’s Journey have shared a few tips for bereaved children and young people who are concerned about the changes they’re facing at school and ways they can cope when they return in September.

Fiona’s Tip: “You won’t be the only person who will be worried about the changes happening at school, or moving up to high school/ college. It is okay to talk to your friends and tell them the things you are worried about.”

Duncan’s Tip: “If you need to know some information or are worried about anything at all, then make sure you speak to an adult in school who you trust. They will want to help you.”

Adam’s Tip: “If you have experienced a bereavement recently, then you may be worried about what to tell people or what help you might need in school. Plan for this by writing down the bits of your story that you are happy to share with others (e.g. friends, teachers) and also a list of things you feel may help you in school. Share this with a member of school staff and talk through how they can help you.”

Lisa’s Tip: “Before you go back to school, talk to your parent/carer and explain the things that you’ve been thinking about that worry you. Write them down on a piece of paper. As you settle into school, look at the list again with your parent/carer and talk about how things went for you. Sometimes we just need to try something different before we realise that it is okay and that we didn’t need to worry about it so much.”

Amy’s Tip: “If you are allowed to, put something small from home in your pocket like a button, photo or something similar. If you are feeling worried during the school day (and miss being at home) you can touch your pocket or hold the object for a short time to make you feel better and remind yourself that people care for you.”

Keeley’s Tip: “Be honest, let friends, family, and teachers know if you need help, and what you would like that help to be. Smile, it can make you feel better, makes you look friendly and approachable, and can help put others at ease. Just be yourself, there is no one else like you and you are amazing.”

We also understand that bereaved children and young people don’t always want to talk about how they’re feeling or what they need emotionally, but they still need people around them to know and understand how to support them. Our Young Volunteers and Youth Panel recently created a set of Smiles & Tears postcards which could come in really handy when starting back at school in September.

These postcards contain lots of suggested ideas and ways a bereaved child or young person may want to be supported. They even have a little tick box against each idea so they can be tailored to meet their needs and feelings without having to talk about how they’re feeling. There’s even some space to write their own ideas too. Each card is different, there’s one for friends, family, adults at school and a blank one for any other special person who’s helping to support a bereaved child or young person. There’s even one for the bereaved child/ young person on ways they can help and look after themselves too.

You can download our FREE Smiles & Tear Postcards here